My Italian publisher on how to speak with an Italian accent: “Pretend you have lived your whole life under the sun. Then imagine you are in a room, and you have pushed open the window and the sun is coming in, and fresh air, and outside the room is a courtyard and there are people there drinking coffee and laughing and having a good time. Think of all of that. Now speak.”
— Boris Pasternak, Doctor Zhivago (via introspectivepoet)
I have been having a day. Just one of those days. Don’t want to bother with my hair or makeup kind of day. Don’t want to talk to anyone kind of day. Don’t want to particularly do anything kind of day. Didn’t send the emails I meant to on Friday. Didn’t work on the flyers I told myself to do on Saturday. Felt very tired, napped instead. Got my nails done. Whatever.
These days are a lot less frequent than before, but here they are. Life seemed a little bit heavier today. Loving someone far away is hard. Quitting your job is hard. Consequently trying to plan the rest of your life (or the next few years) is hard.
I guess I am learning that life in gen is hard (lol, revelation), but it’s okay to sit and feel it for a minute before moving on. Self-care is important. Run, rinse, rest. (repeat?)
It is totally fine to watch Doctor Zhivago in your bathrobe at midnight. It is totally fine to confess your unrequited love again and again without shame or remorse. It is totally fine to cancel plans so you can hang out with your parents on a weekend night.
Life is all over the place, everything is just fine.
When it first happens, we are plastered against the cold white tile of a bathroom floor. Sweaty and desperate, a tangle of limbs and urgency. Next in the dim back booth of a restaurant, our faces pressed together like magnets, seeking each other out. We are standing in the middle of a cafe, my arm behind his back, palm moving gently while he whispers into my ear.
You are sitting in the corner, and I wonder why he is not you. Why he cannot be you. I wonder if you see, but know we are invisible.
Suddenly, she passes by us and everyone stares. She is so beautiful. People gasp. I do not have to wonder if you stare, if you gasp.
I wake and wonder about so many other things.